A Morning Ramble

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I’m posting this little ramble just to see if I actually got the audio part right!!!

i don’t think I’m a very anxious person. I don’t consider myself someone who deals with anxiety but the truth is the call could be coming from inside the house - and I just don’t know it. I may be someone who has lived in a fight or flight world for so long that I simply don’t recognize it when its the low hum that just runs through my life. I always assume it means panic attack - i had one of those once and vowed never to have one again. That’s the kind of bitch I am when it comes to will power - i will power the onset of an anxiety attack right out of me. Though i have heard if you put a bag of frozen peas on your chest where your vagus nerve is it calms a panic attack down immediately. Wish I knew that before I spent 300 dollars on a useless web md chat where i thought i was having a heart attack and the doctor didn’t really tell me I wasn’t. That was a fun night.

I am however what i like to call a looper. If something bad happens or I say something or do something that i think is dumb and regretful - i immediately loop it in my brain and play it over and over again in my head until I replace it with something else. It’s usually something that flys out of my mouth and i immediately wish that I didn’t partake in the conversation that I didn’t really have that much to add to in the first place and no one needed my comment and then i get home and replay the whole scene and wonder what people are thinking and should i send a text and then i send ten texts and then i need a nap.

This doesn’t happen often thank god. I think I’ve learned to self soothe myself out of these situations. Usually I think “well would you have been bothered by that comment?” And if the answer is no then I’m good. If the answer is yes than I’m doomed. Doomed to loop scroll in my brain over and over again.

I think this MAY be part of having mild ADHD. This is a new discovery for me and while i don’t take anything to fix it - I don’t even know if there is anything to fix it - just knowing that I have it has been super helpful. I cannot get through a lengthy email. I finally switched to audio books because reading more than a page was a lot. I think it even affects how I write. I always say I’m kind of a vomit writer - and I just puke out words to get them out of my head. I’m not the kind of person who sweats over a script for years. Maybe this makes me a bad writer and that second or third pass is whats going to really make it sing? I’ll never know because I just don’t have it in me. Once it’s done it’s done. Everything could be rewritten - but I don’t know that it would make it better and so i just go with what I have.

So the looping plays a large part in my lack of sleep. Also having the tv on isn’t helping any. I love falling asleep to the tv but setting the sleep timer to the right amount of time so that it doesn’t wake you up is a real art. One hour is too short. Two hours is too long. If it’s still on and I wake up its over. I immediately need to eat the entire contents of my refridgerator. Last night I ate a bag of terrible cookies i made out of peanut butter and bananas. The tiktoks were everywhere about how two ingredient peanut butter and banana cookies were the greatest thing ever. They weren’t. They were dry and awful and almost tasteless but at midnight when i woke up they were delicious and perfect and I ate until my stomach hurt like it was thanksgiving. I also ate a box of strawberries. Three cuties. Two slices of dry bread. And my leftover brussell sprouts with rice. It’s insane. That’s on top of a full day of eating. It’s a very weird thing i do - night eating. It doesn’t matter if I have anything good to eat in the house. I’ll take down a bag of raw pine nuts if that’s all thats available. I should look into this. I’m sure there’s some explanation for why i eat when i’m already full. I polled my friends and NONE of them do this. NONE. I guess once again I’m a unique butterfly snow flake?

I went for some blood tests recently to see if I need to start taking HRT. I know the conventional wisdom is that you can’t take them after you are through menopause but who knows if i am or not and everyone is so different and my doctor - bestie - tells me it’s exactly what I need. All I know is if it helps me sleep and I get through an entire night without eating everything in sight I’ll be thrilled.