Are You There Mom? It's Me Heidi.

This is now my third mothers day without my mom. Or is it my second? It’s either or. I don’t really bother counting. Whats the point? Gone is gone. My mom and I weren’t what you would call close but it doesn’t matter - grief is a universal shit show of a roller coaster for everyone. We all may feel differently about the dearly or not so dearly departed but the marks they leave hurt the same for all of us. There is an unfillable emptiness whether they were your best friend or your biggest bully. No matter how you slice it - losing the person that gave birth to you will be a doozy.

I studied Kaballah for a couple of years when i first moved to los angeles. I heard Madonna studied it and since we were best friends in my mind only I thought I should do the same. Eventually every celebrity started just wearing the red string bracelets that marked us and it felt like I was in a cult and i stopped going but the lessons have stuck with me a lifetime.

One of the main beliefs is that your soul picks the parents you are born to - the life you are about to lead in fact - to help you learn certain lessons. So whenever anything goes awry in my life i think to myself - well you picked this - what lesson are you supposed to learn? I guess the lesson i learned being raised by a cool not very nurturing mother is - that i can save myself - nurture myself - nurture others - break the cycle - understand that she did her best even if it sucked.

It certainly led to an interesting 62 or so years as a daughter - but it’s been an even more interesting two years or so as a motherless child. I feel closer to her. It’s odd. I also feel a sense of freedom - that no one will tell me what I’m doing wrong with my life.

Mothers Day is a confusing day for a lot of women for many reasons. I think being a mom is the hardest job there is - second only to teacher - but it’s a job I chose not to attempt probably because of my relationship with mine? I’ll never really know and quite frankly i have bigger mental fish to fry. I just hope we always respect women who choose not to have children. It’s hard out here - especially when the government is offering money for babies. If my eggs weren’t dead I might cash that check.

The other day I posted a story about how some people on my social media pages call me Mom and how I wore it as a badge of honor and another woman wrote something about how could i call it an honor when I’ve aborted babies? This is such an insane thought I just let it ride. But on this Mothers Day lets just celebrate all the women who mother all the people any and every way they can.