Money Changes Everything?

I don’t write everyday because I always want to be slightly funny and fully pithy but lately it’s been a little difficult and so I’m once again going to start blogging like I used to and just pour my heart out on these pages. I tried recording audio but damn its hard to teach this old dog new tricks.

Today’s dilemma - MONEY.

People say that you can’t buy happiness but I can. Even if happiness is just the idea that I’m not terrified of moving into my car on a daily basis - it’s still happiness.

I am once again in that spot. That spot of fear that I’ll never just be in the flow of money. I get up, I get down, I get out of debt, I get back into debt. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s exhausting. And I don’t know what to do.

Maybe I shouldn’t have bought those shoes.

Maybe I didn’t need to get my hair straightened.

Maybe I shouldn’t have had so many dinners out.

Maybe i should just sit on my couch and stare at the walls and save money and hope today isn’t my last day on earth and i regret doing nothing.

Sure I don’t have to live in the most expensive place on earth and there are many things to do for free in life but lord help me this living shit is hard.

I have always been a financial disaster. I have always lived paycheck to paycheck even when the paycheck was big. It’s probably one of those incredibly unhealthy things i picked up from my parents.

But at 64 years old I’m thinking about the future - especially if the government takes away my future - aka social security - medicare - ETC.

The past few weeks have been scary for me - someone who doesn’t get depressed - because I’ve been near panic attack level of depressed. So I’m just here - venting. Sending a note to the universe to send help.

My psychic and dear friend told me to go put my feet in the ocean today. So that’s what Daisy and I will be doing. Counting our blessings that we live near the ocean. That we have beautiful friends and family. That this too shall pass. That once again I may need to pivot.

If you are here - I am with you.