MY SO CALLED MIDLIFE

I think I made this one free. That was the plan. Hopefully if you’re not a subscriber my brilliant musings will make you one. : ) A girl can dream.

I’ve been writing about my fifties since turning fifty and now at 64 it’s fascinating to look back at one of the most challenging decades i’ve lived through and know that not only did I survive - i thrived. If you’re not fifty yet then you may be thinking - what’s so difficult about being a single 50 year old white woman with a fairly good shoe collection and a decent head of hair? If you are a quinquagenerian - lord even our name sucks - then you know - it can be a real journey through hell and I’m not just talking about the hot flashes because I kinda skipped those.

I have often said that the fifties are difficult for women because we become invisible and feel irrelevant. Now this is obviously a grand generalization and there are times when i say this and another woman will say “my fifties were amazing” to which i reply - oh you’re the one. It’s not that I don’t believe her it’s just that I don’t believe her. These days we can pinpoint a lot of these feelings of inadeqaucy to menopause but there is a lot going on for a lot of women when they hit fifty besides menopause - that just seems to be the hot icing on the shit cake. Easier scenarios - you may become an empty nester. You may lose your job and have difficulty figuring out where to fit in. Tougher scenarios - you may discover that you have no idea who you really are because you’ve been ignoring you your whole life in place of taking care of everyone else and your spouse makes you want to rip your own skin off and boil it.

Fifty to sixty was hard. Sixty the lightbulb went off - the fucks flew out the window and i feel more relevant than ever before. Now i am a lucky one - i chose to reinvent myself at 63 in a way that allows me to see and feel the value I have. The feedback from my online community has given me a place in the world. I think we all have to figure out what our value is and sometimes that value is just understanding that who you are matters - and that even passing on a bit of knowledge to the younger generation - is an important task. They are hungry for it and they are listening.

I think the best thing we can do for each other as women during this decade is to truly be there for each other and find community. This is such an interesting concept for me because the idea of some kind of lady circle of sharing used to make me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I suppose i always think it’s going to devolve into - “Let’s all get out a mirror and really look at our vaginas” type of situations. But I suppose I was either afraid of hearing other peoples stories because it would hit too close to home and make me feel more terrified - or perhaps i’m just not a good person and I hate people. I hope it’s the former. I think most of it is that I was raised by people who didn’t think i had much to say and so now all i can do is talk and be the loudest and have the most to say and what i have to say is so much more than what anyone else has to say and shut up i said it first and you don’t know what you’re talking about. Sigh. I think we can see how i’d do in a circle. I think most women my age are longing to have someone - anyone listen to them. You can see them in the grocery store sometimes - talking to anyone who catches their gaze. I will admit - sometimes i hide from women my own age who are alone and have that look in their eye.

The thing about midlife is - it’s actually such an important time in your life and there are no guidebooks yet as to how to get through it. But if you can figure it out before you hit fifty than that will be your superhero time. I didn’t find my cape until 60. We’re starting to learn so much more about menopause but we have a long way to go when it comes to midlife which is why I’m so excited about the project I’m working on with some great lady friends. They are teaching me to sit and listen. I still interject at all times because - well - i’ve gone through it now and i’m the most wisdomest of all don’t you know. I know that’s not a word.

I listened to an amazing podcast today - which i will link here - and these are the most wonderful things i learned about midlife.

Midlife is not a crisis it’s a chrysalis and we can come out of this as butterflies.

We are actually happier at 50 and if you can shift your thoughts from negative to positive at this time in your life you will add 7 ½ years to your life.

Ask yourself “what will i regret in ten years if i don’t learn it or do it now.” Anticipated regret is a form of wisdom.

Don’t just play the games you can win.

Such wonderful and sound advice. I think it’s brave to not let midlife take you down a sewer hole of sadness. I know as women in particular we are told it’s over and we are worthless but considering we are responsible for 15 trillion or so in purchasing power -we are worth a lot actually. Now we need to learn to be there for each other. We need to support each other. Not take each other down. I’m not perfect. I almost took out a lady named Heather the other day on my page who said i looked like shit and looked 87. I’m pretty sure my followers reported her over one hundred times. It’s important not to let the Heathers get to us. I’m working on it.