Stop The World: I want to get off.

The universe is testing me this week and I don’t like it. I don’t want to know what it all means. I just want the collective good points i’ve earned in life to add up and cancel the bullshit that just flew into my orbit.

Perhaps it started with the trolley car incident. On the first day of solstice I was hit and knocked down by a trolley. The trolley was basically a giant golf cart with 8 passengers all heading to a party in the park in Santa Barbara. They hit me in the crosswalk, i fell down, and somehow nothing got broken. It was so embarrassing because the streets were filled with people who all watched it happen. I saw the headline - influencer dies in the middle of State Street wearing a terrible outfit and no makeup. Not even a hint of lipstick. I filled out a report and managed to walk away unscathed. The company never called to see how I am. This seems like a flaw. This seems like a good reason to decide i am a litigious bitch after all and sue the hell out of them. My bank account would be thrilled. But I haven’t sued - yet.

Incident number two hit even closer to home. Just a few hundred feet away from where I lay my head each night - where i have found extreme peace - the woman i have vowed never to forgive showed up to go shopping and her biggest purchase seems to be my inner joy. There i was minding my own business when i bent down to pet a dog and that dog was attached to the husband of my nemesis who immediately ran off in search of said nemesis to inform her that he had in fact seen her nemesis who is in fact me. I immediately felt sick. Why here? Why now? I suppose everyone needs to get away on a holiday weekend - even the devil - but my world was a bit shattered that her get away was here. If you’ve read my book than you know who this is. If you haven’t well - suffice to say - she is a terrible someone. I thought moving out of LA was far enough but I guess your past has a way of finding you when it needs to tell you something. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME? NEVER MIND I DON’T CARE.

I got a lot of opinions about what her showing up in my life meant. But you know what they say about opinions - they’re like assholes and everybody has one. I personally think it was to show me that I am not healed from my past with this person. That I still allow what happened to hold a place in my brain. I should care less. I should laugh when i think of her. I will one day. People say you should forgive - i say i just need to forget…peace out …goodbye… your lease inside my head has been terminated. The only person i need to forgive is myself for not standing up to her in the first place. For letting her get away with being a boss from hell. I need to forgive myself for eventually getting even so to speak by writing about her in my book. It’s the meanest shit i’ve ever written about anyone. Sure it’s all true but maybe it didn’t need to be out there in the world. I did finally pull the book from Amazon so it’s no longer out there spreading the hate i felt. Maybe that was the first step?

I am the kind of person who always looks for deeper meaning. I want to know why certain things happen. But we don’t always get the answers we seek. Sometimes we just have to keep it moving. So dear universe if there is a reason this is happening - i don’t care today. Come back next week when some good shit has happened and tell me then.