The Body Keeps Score

I was four years old the first time someone put their hands on me in a way no adult should touch a child. I think it was only the one time. I certainly remember the inappropriate touching that happened later in life but not this first one. At least, my brain doesn’t truly remember. But my body does. It has lived within me for 60 years - deep inside the folds of my flesh, running through my blood stream and sneaking into my bones looking for an exit. I may not know exactly what happened or who was the whom behind the what, I just know that it changed the trajectory of my life – forever – because it changed me. That one touch to my tender mind – soiled it – in ways that still affect me. I know it is the pivotal scene in the movie about my life and I can’t remember it.  There’s nowhere for me to go rewatch it and figure it out.  It just plays like a blurry clip in my brain.

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