THE TINKLE TRUTH

I remember when I first started reading about aging and all the terrible horrible things that were going to happen to my body. My bones would become brittle, my hair would become thin, my pelvic floor would drop, blah blah holy shit this can’t be true but guess what - it is. I have already been told i have osteoporosis, I lose about a cat a day in hair, and i’m not sure about the whole pelvic floor thing but it’s probably at my ankles and I just don’t know how to check it. I was just starting my fifties when this information started rolling in and i already felt invisible and irrelevant so throwing a bunch of other stuff on the pile of aging was a little daunting. Now at 64 I can tell you these things haven’t really played a part in my life - yet - and while they may never - there is one thing that is super annoying - pee - an absolutely irksome last drip of the salty stuff that no matter how hard i try - runs down my leg AFTER i get up from a little number one activity. It’s not always an occurence but it’s enough to be super annoying and well slightly concerning.

I know you’re thinking - why are you telling us this Heidi? Well, at the risk of becoming the lady who smells like tinkle (i don’t) it’s time to share the truth about what is going on down there , at least for me, so maybe you don’t feel like you’re the only one it’s happening to. Every single solitary time i go to the bathroom it has now become a lengthy ordeal to make sure that whatever flowed out of me - has ended - run dry - stopped dripping - valve shut off. Because if I don’t - I will stand up i find out - my calculations were wrong and there was more to come. Where the fuck is it coming from? It’s like a have a fountain of urine and more than one spigot. I sit i wipe i wait and then i stand up and trickle down my leg goes another bit of pee . Underwear ruined. Pants ruined. Life a shambles of tinkle shame.

Now does this have anything to do with the fact that I haven’t had sex in 24 years? I bet that’s a solid yes. So, I finally went to the most knowledgeable source there is - google. I typed in “every time i pee” and what followed was a more bizarre list then what i was planning to ask. Things like - it’s foamy, i poop, it burns… well shit then i guess i’m lucky! But i dug a little deeper and here’s what i found. The scariest word in all of the land - incontinence. Followed by the 4 loveliest words ever “more common in men.” Finally !!! Now i know i’m not at the incontinent level yet but that scared me straight to a solution.

It seems that the pelvic floor situation I haven’t been paying attention to is probably the cause of this extra dribble. And so finally at 64 - i looked up what my damn pelvic floor does. Yeah i know - it’s not rocket science but I never paid attention before.

The pelvic floor is a group of muscles located at the base of the pelvis that plays crucial roles in supporting and controlling various bodily functions.

Ohhhhhhhhh shiiiiiiit. How can i be this old and not know that?

And then i read how to fix it.

Kegel Exercises: 

• Sit or lie in a comfortable position.

• Imagine stopping the flow of urine or holding in gas.

• Squeeze and lift the pelvic floor muscles as if pulling them up and in.

• Hold the contraction for 3-5 seconds.

• Relax the muscles and repeat.

• Aim for 10-15 repetitions, 3 times a day. 

Now i remember doing these a long time ago for some other reason that seems to escape me and so i tried doing them again and fuck it’s definitely not as easy as it used to be and i instantly became terrified that if i didn’t start doing this all the time my occasional piss drip would become a river and i WILL become the lady who smells like pee and that’s just not something i want as the lower third under my name when i do a guest appearance on some tv show it could happen. Breathe Heidi.

About a year ago i was approached by that underwear company that you can bleed or pee in. I laughed in their faces. The audacity to think i needed that. I’m going to kegel so hard my vagina is going to snap any penis it does come in contact with if that ever happens again though with this admission it’s kind of doubtful. Not sure how this would look on my Bumble page. And if that doesn’t work i will become the lead spokes lady for tinkle underpants. I will make them sexy. I will pee wherever i want whenever i want. Jesus Christ why is it so hard to be a woman and when does the suffering end?

Honestly i write this today to take a little shame away from any woman feeling a little less than because her body is doing weird shit. It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re all going to be okay and while it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on - it’s better to be the one doing to the pissing because i really don’t understand the other kind of golden shower.